The Parents YAP About Technology: Whatcha Gonna Do About Screen Time?

As American youths get fatter and supposedly more violent, experts look to blame something. Sure, absentee parenting and a decaying moral code could have something to do with it, but there's gotta be an easier answer than that. Let's blame screen time.

What happens in your home with electronics? Do you limit screen time? Do your kids care? This week, the Parents YAP about unplugging, reconnecting, and finding balance between the real and virtual worlds.

Tasha Schlake Festel

I used to think that technology was necessary for harmony in my family. I used to say that taking away the television only punished me. I used to think I'd be lost without my phone and the constant and immediate link it provides me with the outside world.

Last week, I discovered that I was wrong. 

(Except for the phone part. It's like my right arm. I won't lie.) 

We spent five days at a cabin in the woods of New Hampshire. My friends actually joked that my husband was taking us there to kill us. Just for the record, he didn't. Knowing the rain in the weather forecast for the next four days, I felt myself sweating a little as we surveyed the place upon arrival. The cabin had running water and electricity, but was otherwise fairly rustic. The shower was outside (there was an indoor tub) and there was no television. We got a few radio stations but very limited cell service and just about no Internet connection on our phones.

How the heck would we survive? Would we all still like each other when we came home? Would we make it through five days without electronic distractions? Would "the woods" be enough for my seven- and nine-year-olds? Why didn't we at least pack our portable DVD players that the kids use in the car? I had some second thoughts.

At home, I'm pretty lax about technology. I don't see it as the evil that's bringing down society, the core of all that's wrong with American youth. My husband and I both work in technology and have a healthy respect and awe for all that it has done for us, socially, economically, politically, financially, creatively, intellectually, and just about every other way you can think of. My kids have pretty much unrestricted access to television. I control which programs and/or channels they can watch, but I don't remember the last time I told them to turn it off. They each have an iPod - my daughter with an iPod Touch with Internet access and texting capabilities, and my son, just a regular old music player. We also have a Wii, a computer, an iPad, iPhones, and my son has a DSiXL. We're pretty plugged in. 

My kids eat breakfast every morning in front of the television. It started with needing a distraction for them so they wouldn't fight or get into trouble while I took a shower in the morning. My kids unwind in front of the TV every day right after school, before they start their homework. It gives them a break from the pressure and lets them reset before they start their homework. They also watch television just before bed to calm down and transition from activity to rest. Sometimes when the silliness or grumpiness or noise level gets too much for me to bear, I beg them to please, just sit down in front of the television.

All of these television habits are pretty fundamental to how our family operates at home. I've never questioned it. We're all just really used to turning on the TV. It hasn't been an issue. And despite their constant exposure to the boob tube, they're both active, creative, and engaged kids.

This all says nothing about my own screen time habits. I don't watch a lot of TV, but as I confessed above, I have an unnatural attachment to my phone. Whether it's texting, Facebook, Words With Friends, emails, research, writing, reading, or anything else I do on my palm-sized best friend, my iPhone is my near-constant companion. Out of all of my bad habits and unhealthy activities, this is probably my worst.

So yeah, five rainy days in the woods with no electronic distractions kinda freaked me out. For my kids and for me. My husband is the least tech-dependent in his leisure time of the four of us, so I'm pretty sure he didn't have the almost existential crisis I did when we prepped for the trip and reviewed the cabin amenities. He was just worried about missing Game 7 of the Stanley Cup on Wednesday night, but the Bruins came through for us and lost in Game 6, giving up the cup to the Blackhawks. A selfless gesture for our vacation that I will never forget. 

Despite the NH rain and my son's irrational terror of deer flies and need to be doused in DEET before heading in to the great outdoors, the kids had an awesome time. And so did I, after I stopped fruitlessly searching for a signal. I found myself almost relieved that I could only read my iBooks on my phone, forced to connect with the people in my physical world instead of my virtual one. We played games, explored in the woods, roasted marshmallows, played with sparklers, cooked hotdogs over the open fire, popped popcorn, and talked to each other. We reconnected. I hadn't realized that we were disconnected until we unplugged everything.

On the way home, we talked about the things we liked about our trip. My daughter said she enjoyed not having television. She went so far as to say she wants to have "no TV time" scheduled every day, and on the weekend evenings. She forever surprises me.

I expected the kids to switch on the TV as soon as we walked in the door of our house. But they surprised me again. They took out papers and craft supplies, writing and drawing silly things, cracking each other up. I think I was the one to turn on the television for our bedtime ritual. I also fed them breakfast the next morning in their usual spot, with Arthur and Martha Speaks flashing at them while they ate.

The summers are easier to unplug. There's so much to do - swimming, playing outside, seeing friends, vacations, parties and more - that television and the rest of the electronic distractions are pretty marginalized. I'm going to try to keep everything turned off except for the bookends of the day, the mornings and the evenings. It works for us. Judge me if you will.

As for my own habits, I'm a work in progress. I really love my phone and the way it connects me, but I love my family more. I continue to strive for balance.

Lisa Paglierani            

 It’s 3:00 pm on a steamy, rainy summer Monday.  My younger two children are napping, while the older two are putting together “fun bags.”  Apparently these are bags filled with small toys and craft items to have handy when they get together with friends.  Earlier today, the older three played legos until disharmony heralded nap time for one of them.  Before that, they read, cleaned the playroom, and wrote lists of clubs they want to form.  The TV has not come on at all (I am choosing not to count the 30 minutes of Sesame Street watched by the baby this morning).  It’s been a screen-free victory.

I’m proud of my kids’ viewing habits, and grateful that this is not a big issue in our home.  My kids do watch TV most days, but it does not interfere with their involvement in other activities like reading or imaginative play.  We are aware, though, of the potential for the big screen to become a larger presence than we would like. The mesmerizing power of TV has its strongest hold on my five-year-old son.  If allowed, he will watch anything being shown on a screen.  This inclination hit a new low at my parents’ house recently, when I caught him fixated, uncomprehending, on a French-speaking game show.  And my nine-year-old daughter now peppers me with requests for computer time throughout any day spent at home.  Fortunately, she takes no for an answer; I just have to keep a ready supply of “no’s” at hand.

Saying “no” brings me a twinge of guilt, though.  I know I’m doing the right thing, but I feel badly that I don’t always have an alternative activity in my back pocket.  I often order them to “Find something else to do,” while a little voice in my head reminds me that I should probably provide some ideas.  But left to their own devices, my kids are actually quite good at keeping themselves entertained.  They come up with games, they immerse themselves in artistic projects, or they build something new with legos.  I guess in this regard necessity is the mother of invention, since an inventor their mother is not. 

 Our rules are simple and few:  no screen time before homework or other responsibilities have been completed, during play dates, or if the weather is nice.  We simply can’t stomach the sight of our kids sitting in front of the TV while the sun shines outside the window.  Apart from that, we generally try to keep the kids’ viewing under the one- or two-hour limit recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). 

The AAP also prescribes no screen time at all for children under the age of two.  Here, I give myself permission to be more lax.  Right now, Elmo is a fantastic babysitter for my toddler, and saves my sanity on many mornings.  He is the reason that we were usually on time for school this past year, complete with lunches packed.  Likewise, I was a frequent user of Baby Einstein when my oldest was an infant. She didn’t have any siblings to entertain her, and I needed the occasional break to get dinner started or make a phone call.  I didn’t delude myself that the Baby Einstein sessions were increasing her budding IQ, but I appreciated it as good, harmless entertainment.

Just a few weeks ago, I suddenly realized that the kids had fallen into a pattern of watching TV almost every night, with shows ending right at bedtime.  TV had crept up and edged out nighttime reading, since by that hour we were all too tired to delay bedtime further.  To rein things in, we implemented no-TV nights, beginning with Mondays and Wednesdays.  This seemed like a manageable step.  We were pleased with how readily our kids accepted the rule and would even remind us when we forgot.   

Dinner is over now, and the kids are finishing up a few tasks while we look forward to watching a TV show as a family.  Most of the kids are now old enough that TV is an activity we can enjoy together (no offense to Elmo).  After a day like today, it feels like a well deserved reward.  If it rains again tomorrow, though, all bets are off.

Melissa Schools

Frankly, writing this column is starting to give me a complex. It’s one thing to have fleeting moments of guilt about “Bad Mommy Moments,” but examining my approach and practices in parenting week after week is shining a fairly insistent light on the whole shebang. I’m starting to squirm.

I’ve got a few options, as I see it:

1)    Start lying.

2)    Become paralyzed by a vicious cycle of guilt and resentment until I quit the Parents Yap.

3)    Make peace with it and not think about it so much.

Recently, I posted about the difference between my standards for kid-snacking and my practices. There is a similar dichotomy for screen time in the Schools household. Having read many articles and books on the dangers and effects of too much screen time, my standards are impressively high.

Things start to fall apart in practice. You see, we have a few loop holes in the rules. First, now that school is out, I like to sleep in the mornings rather than rise with my kids at six-freakin’-o’clock. Television works as a trusty anchor to keep my kids in one place, ignoring each other, until I get up. (They actually are not allowed to watch tv during the week when school is in session.)

Second, whenever one of the kids is sick, he becomes Lord Of The TV Remote. (A cold is not sufficient to qualify. The subject must be barfy, feverish or similarly miserable and incapacitated to merit sick-time tv watching.) Since I’m not going to ban the other boys from the room while their brother soaks in hours of tv, they all get a big, fat dose of tv then.

Third, my kids watch a goodly amount of television when I want them to just be still and quiet while I finish the Patch article I didn’t complete the night before because I fell asleep thinking about how I needed to write my article.

The three examples I just gave are not embellished for their admittedly comedic value. For balance, however, I will state that our kids watch commercial-free Netflix or On Demand programming almost exclusively. Second, we have maintained a pretty strict rein on what they are allowed to watch and, for now, they abide by the rules of “Nothing foolish or inappropriate.” When the olders try to bend the rules, the youngers are only too thrilled to rat them out, which leads to a tv ban, making us all miserable. Third, it’s probably mean and unnecessary, but I barely ever let my kids play on the computer or even use their portable video games.

So, you see, I’m going to reject the first two courses of action outlined above and go for option number three. Rest easy, dear readers, because my memory is too bad to be a good liar and I’ll be writing for the Patch until uninvited to do so, because I’ve decided to make peace with my flaws and inconsistencies as a parent- if only to serve as a cautionary tale for others.

Regina Martine

We are having a hard time limiting screen time here at Chez Martine. First of all, my husband and I both spend a lot of time each and every day parked in front of a computer screen.  A lot of that time is spent working, since we both work out of the house. We also watch the news on line, check email and facebook pretty often, instant message each other when one of us is upstairs and the other is downstairs, and my husband will watch a sporting event online whilst watching something else on TV… so needless to say, we are not setting a very good example. We have two TVs, a desktop computer, a laptop, an iPad, two Kindle Fires, and several iPhones that don’t have internet or phone service anymore. That’s a lot of screens.

I don’t like seeing my kids zoned out playing video games by themselves, but I don’t mind so much if they are playing together. It does bother me that with the gazillions of games, craft kits, art supplies, books, puzzles, sports equipment and more, they always choose something with a screen first. I have to constantly remind them of all the other things there are to play and do around here.

That said, they have used their screeny toys to do some pretty cool things. They have discovered iMovie and have gone on to make movies, music videos, and started their own news show. I can’t really complain about that. I can’t really complain about all the on-demand TV they watch, since it is usually something like Mythbusters, or a cooking show, or their latest discovery, back seasons of Survivor. I would love for them to watch a little less TV, but since it has also inspired in-house cooking competitions and elaborate backyard Immunity Challenges, so I think it has been (mostly) time well spent.

I suppose my Summertime philosophy of kids and screen time is something like: If that TV show/video game/ iPad app means you will play together without fighting, then go ahead and have at it. Just go play outside when you’re done.