MomTalk: Do You Let Your Kids Quit?
Quitters never win. But do winners never quit? What do you do as a parent when your kid wants to quit something they've started?
Question: What do you do as a parent when your kid wants to quit something they've started?
My kids are pretty good about finishing what they start. Sometimes they need a little encouragement to try something new, or they want to make sure they have a friend in the class or on the team, but once they start, they usually finish. My oldest refused to go to half-day summer camp at the Y when she was about four and also begged to quit Kindergarten soccer after three weeks, but those are the only incidents of quitting I can remember.
I don’t sign my kids up for tons of activities. Two of my kids play intramural sports and they seem to understand that once they sign up, they are committed for the season. My two daughters have been dancing since they were three. The dance school they attend gives out trophies for 5, 10, and 15 years of dancing. Both girls have their 5-year trophy and plan to stick with it until they get one for 15 years. No quitters there.
I think the reason my kids don’t beg and plead to quit activities is that I don’t MAKE them participate. They choose every activity they participate in. If a flyer for sports sign-ups comes home in a school folder, I will ask if they want to sign up, and if they don’t, they don’t. If they sign up, they are in for the whole season. I would never force my kids to continue with an activity that they really, truly hated, but since they chose every activity they do, this hasn’t really been a problem.
I would never sign one of my kids up for a class or a sport without asking them first. I feel like that is setting them up to hate it. I might do some pretty heavy duty convincing if I feel that they will really enjoy the activity, but I wouldn’t enroll them until they agree. I don’t want to create resentment about both the activity itself, and with me, for not giving them a choice. A power struggle with mom is not going to make an activity fun for anyone.
Tasha Schlake Festel
I feel pretty strongly about finishing what you start. I believe that when you make a commitment, you see it through. If you’re not happy, you make changes but you stick with it. Quitting is the easy way out and I’ve tried to impart this onto my kids.
“Once you learn to quit, it becomes a habit.”
-Vince Lombardi, legendary football coach
I used to let my kids join whatever they wanted, assuming they’d love it, because, really, what’s not to love when you’re a kid doing fun stuff with other kids? Unfortunately, since quitting is not an option, I learned the hard way not to let them enter lightly into any activity or join any team without serious deliberation.
As a kid, you don’t think about long-term. You think about what you want to do right now, not two weeks from now. Dance class? Yes! Soccer? You betcha! Swim lessons? Bring it!
Then at week 2, after the enrollment fees have been paid, the equipment has been purchased, the commitment has been made, and schedules have been shuffled, reality sets in and kids realize that this is going to happen every week for an extended period of time. Oh, cr@p.
We have learned through experience to discuss at length whatever activity, sport, club or class the kids want to join. Believe it or not, I don’t like forcing them to go to “fun” activities that make them cry. Nor do I like fighting about putting your damn tights on for dancing school every week. I also don’t like their whining or the screaming banshee I become when it’s time to just get in the f**king car and go have a god d@mned good time with your stupid little friends. Hmmm… Perhaps this isn’t what enrichment activities are supposed to be.
Yet my no quitting philosophy endures. And the kids know it. I stand firm because we have committed to teachers and teams. I stick with it because we have made a financial investment. I do not waiver because well, we just plain don’t, OK?!?!
But is that right?
Honestly, I’m not sure this is always the best approach. I wonder if it prevents my kids from sampling new things because they’re afraid of getting stuck doing something they hate on account of their mother having some weird hang-up about quitting. Maybe we should find a happy medium. Maybe instead of Vince Lombardi, I should model W. C. Fields.
“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. “
-W.C. Fields, comedian, actor, juggler and writer
The first thing that comes to mind when I consider the question of letting kids quit something or to make them follow through is this: All those people who talk about how their parents made them do something like practice piano for an hour a day and take lessons for years until all the fun was drubbed right out of it. The next thing I usually hear is some form of, “I wish I’d stayed with it.”
I’ve come to think that this issue- and perhaps all parenting struggles- boils down to whether the child feels some measure of choice or control in his life. I am not talking about, nor am I advocating, letting a child enjoy unbridled reign over all choices in his life. That would exhaust me and, frankly, drive me over the edge. I feel deficient in my patience supply as it is.
What I’m trying to flesh out is the notion of helping our kids to feel invested in their own lives. I have tried to keep what I like from my own parents’ parenting style, and kid myself into thinking I have completely reformed those things I deem to be their parenting mistakes.
I surely want to raise them with a solid foundation of what is right and wrong, to have good manners and to basically exhibit the virtues taught at their elementary school known as core values: respect, responsibility, compassion, perseverance, honesty, acceptance, self-discipline, cooperation and friendship. What I struggle with at home (read: “beat my head against a brick wall about…”) is what feels like mindless opposition to anything I ask of my kids, my nearly-nine-year-old son being the worst culprit.
Tying this back into the topic of whether to allow kids to quit an activity or not, I believe that if they are given some say in choosing activities, and if parents are able to set general boundaries and guidance for making good choices, quitting or not would be much less of an issue. This is one of those times in my life that I’m glad we don’t have scads of money laying around, because it makes for a built-in deterrent to even consider allowing my kids to quit something on a whim. “What?? What do you mean you don’t want to do ‘X’ anymore? Sorry, buddy, but the session is paid for already. You’re finishing!”
We do not let our kids sign up for every activity that catches their eye. Since they are allowed only one choice in addition to Cub Scouts per season, each son has to have a pretty high interest in the activity he chooses. Not only is over-scheduling kids a national problem these days, but it makes for a mighty grumpy Mama, so limiting outside activities works well for us.
So far, the only activities my kids are participating in are various sports. If one was truly miserable or was really struggling, I’m confident we’d let the child quit eventually…but not before trying every trick we could think of to try to get them to see it as worthwhile and character-building to stick it out.