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"Mommy, Where Do Babies Come From?" Time for "The Talk"

When is the right time to have "The Talk" with your child? This week's topic suggested by Wakefield Patch reader Melissa.

Tasha Schlake Festel
Anyone who knows me knows I’ll talk about pretty much anything, anytime, anywhere… often to my husband’s chagrin. This generally applies to my children as well. However, to be honest, prior to this week’s topic, I hadn’t spent a lot of time considering how I was going to discuss sex with my kids. They’re 5 and 7. Sex isn’t on my radar for impending discussions, unlike “you may not hit in kindergarten” and “there is a difference between being honest and being a jerk.” 

While knowledge is power and all that hoo-hah, I’m OK with my children not being too powerful in this particular area until they’re a bit older. I know some people think sex ed should start at birth, but I gotta say, I don’t agree. My kids are young. They are not sheltered, but I do try to control their access to certain information, sex and violence being the top two categories. I will answer questions when asked and do so as honestly and as completely as I think their young minds can process. But I’m not going to have a little sit-down quite yet. 

Both kids know about their body parts and how they are different across the genders, they know what is private and what isn’t (however keeping the private things private proves to be difficult for my 5-year-old son sometimes!) they know that no one has a right to touch their bodies without their permission, and my 7-year-old daughter knows the basics about menstruation.

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My son has asked me several questions about the workings of his penis. While the inner 11-year-old girl in me has a very hard time not giggling, I tell him that since I do not actually have a penis, I may not be the best source of information, but will do my best to explain things as I understand them. He once inquired what the heck he could do to get his penis to get floppy again because it was getting in the way in its alert state. (Editorial note: “floppy” was his word, “alert state” is my attempt to be classy here.) He said he’d tried pinching it really hard several times, because apparently that had worked in the past. I fought the wave of nausea that overtook me at the thought of this and said it might be best if he tried to relax and keep his hands off it. He was skeptical about that approach and asked if this ever happened to his father. OMG! The discussion wasn’t uncomfortable at all for him, but it was really hard for me to keep a straight face - you know, because I’m immature and all. He was so innocent and trusting, and I was really happy that he came to me with his questions. I hope this continues. We have a pretty open relationship and I’d like to think I’m approachable.

My daughter is and always has been loaded with questions, observations and theories. Her questions are well-crafted, her observations poignant and her theories thought-provoking. All of this means I have to be straight with her or she’ll totally call me out. She did this once when she tried to nail me down on what the heck sanitary pads are for. I answered, “Those are for grown up girls, honey.”  That was clearly an evasive answer. She said, “Mom, I can handle it, you know. Tell me the truth.” I was taken aback by her frankness – she was 5 at the time – but regained my composure enough to say, “I know you can handle it, but I really don’t want to discuss this in the bathroom of a Chik-fil-A, OK?” Seriously? Ugh. Later we discussed the basics of menstruation. She was cool with it. Recently, the topic of tampons came up. I told her that basically they were pads that went inside. The look of horror on her face confirmed my thought that she wasn’t really ready to know anything about the act of sex.

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At this point, the age-old story of “girl meets financially independent, well-educated and respectful boy; boy and girl fall in love; boy proposes with impressive two-karat diamond engagement ring with high marks in cut, clarity and color; boy and girl wed and purchase a modest home in a top-notch school district, financed with a manageable mortgage; girl has a successful career and so does her supportive husband; boy and girl decide together to have a baby; baby is made; baby comes out with the help of a doctor and some medicine; and everyone lives happily-ever-after" is a fairy tale for sure.

I hope that I’ve been planting the seeds of communication since the kids were born and I hope the kids will continue to come to me with their questions as they always have. It is my goal to be available, non-judgmental and (generally) honest.

In planning my response to this question, I did some “field research” and asked several of my friends what they’ve done. My friend, Jenn, was able to put in to words for me through relating her experience what I hope to accomplish:

My thought on the "Talk" is that if you keep an open line of communication about everything, and answer questions honestly and completely, and sometimes even offering a bit more information than the kid asks for, the information gets out there without the need for an uncomfortable talk. 

Phew!

Regina Martine
When my kids were very little and they were getting ready for a bath or shower they always insisted on dancing around my bedroom naked before they got in the tub. They would sing and dance and shake their little booties with glee. They even made up a song called “Boys and Girls are Different from Each Other” with lyrics like “girls have bums in the front and the back, but boys have long and dangly penises” which they would sing at the top of their lungs as they frolicked around my room. It was awesome. If I had it on video, I would post it here for all to see. But, alas, I do not. They are older and more modest now, so that doesn’t happen anymore, but my children’s complete lack of shyness when they were small allowed for a lot of questions about how and why boys and girls are different from each other to be answered pretty easily.

I have always tried to be pretty open with my kids and answer any questions as they come up. I know plenty of people who tell their kids that “babies come from the hospital” and give no real information at all. All three of my kids know their own birth stories in great detail, but only my oldest has asked how all these babies got inside me in the first place. I told her, and her reaction was to squinch up her face and say “gross.” I didn’t go into a huge amount of detail, just the basic mechanics of conception. She understood, and asked a few questions and it was mostly un-embarrassing for both of us. I don’t think it occurred to her that asking about sex was different than asking any other science-y question.

I have a lot of little conversations with my girls here and there about puberty and changing bodies and bras and periods, but no Big Talk about all things pertaining to sex. I think that answering their questions as they come up is a lot easier (for me and for them) than sitting them down for A Talk that will be uncomfortable and overwhelming for everyone. I try to answer their questions in terms they can understand and not bombard them with information they are not ready for. For example, my 8 and 10-year-old daughters don’t need to understand the specifics of birth control just yet, but in a few years they will.

So far my kids seem pretty comfortable talking to me about just about everything, and hopefully it will stay that way. I plan on directing all my son’s penis-related questions to my husband and I will try to answer my daughters’ questions as best I can.

Peggy Barresi
I never had “The Talk” with my girls. There was no formal sit down where I explained everything about the birds and the bees. Instead, “The Talk” happened in bits and pieces over many years, with information becoming more complex as the girls got older. Essentially, I always answered all their questions and for every “milestone” question that came up, I called upon the help of a good book. My husband, by the way, was completely useless in this realm.

My first conscious decision when it came to sex and my girls was to call all the relevant body parts by their real names. For some reason, it felt easier to talk about penises and vaginas in grown-up language. The second decision was to honestly answer all my girls’ questions. Kids are always trying to make sense of their world, so if they ask a sex-related question, it’s only fair to answer it. But, the answer should be in terms they can understand and process. If your four-year old asks where babies come from, it’s not necessary to go into a whole explanation of the sexual act. A simple answer, such as “The mommy has an egg and the daddy has a sperm and together they make a baby,” is usually sufficient. Follow this with an age-appropriate book and the kid will likely be satisfied for a while.

At our house, the big question came during dinner when my older daughter, then eight years old, asked: “I know the sperm and the egg get together, but HOW?” I was horrified, because my younger daughter was present, and she was definitely not ready for the whole story. So I said to Leah, “Well, honey, it’s kind of complicated. I think I’ll find a book that explains it and we’ll read it together.” The next day, I went to Barnes and Noble and perused the options. Beware! There are many books out there to help you explain the mechanics of sex, but some are REALLY inappropriate. One book had drawings of all the positions Mommy and Daddy can use. What???? You need to review the books thoroughly so you pick one that’s right for you and your family.

I did find a book appropriate for Leah’s age, and we read it together. She giggled at the “penis goes into the vagina” part and said, “Ewwwww!” I tried not to laugh. I also mentioned how her sister didn’t need to know all these details just yet. Nina was still in the “egg and sperm” stage, so if Leah had questions in the future, please ask them when her sister was not around!

The next big milestone centered around menstruation. For this, I found the American Girl book, “The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls” to be excellent. It explains all the puberty-related body changes in matter-of-fact language that is just right for tween girls. This book was invaluable.

Because I had always answered their questions honestly and without embarrassment, the girls have felt comfortable asking me for details and ongoing information. There have been more milestone talks, including when and why you would first have sex, STDs, birth control, and even date rape. The conversations continue, and I use every opportunity to keep the discussion alive. We’re beyond reading books together now, so I take advantage of “teachable moments.” I’m thankful for the MTV series “Sixteen and Pregnant.” It presents the stark reality of having a kid at 16 without any candy coating. What could be a better deterrent to having sex too early? I love that show! It also makes me wish for the good old “sperm and egg” days. Things were so simple back then.

Laurie Hunt
I am a firm believer in “the talk” not really being “a” talk, a single event; it should be something that starts as soon as a child learns to speak. A vagina is a vagina, unless you are a three-year-old who cannot yet pronounce her v’s then bagina is perfectly acceptable.  A penis is a penis. A breast is a breast. They are not “hoo hoos” and “ha ha’s” or any other crazy nick names. The words should not be taboo.  They are just body parts – not so different than an arm or a leg, however, they should not be shown to or touched by anyone (another topic for another time).

To the curious young toddler and preschooler these body parts all have simple functions really; one feeds babies (well, two really) and the other two are what you use to go to the bathroom. As a child grows up and questions arise organically they can be answered simply and straightforward. My girls have always known that when they were born they came out of my body via my vagina and that some babies are born via a cut in a woman’s stomach. We also told them they were both made from love from both of their parents as that was much more age appropriate for the time they asked. My hope is the discussion will continue to flow organically and when they are old enough to express more of an interest we will elaborate on that more.

Before changes start to happen to your child’s body you can start to talk about it by asking them if they have any questions. Sometimes this conversation can even be initiated by changes happening in the body of a friend of theirs. A car ride is a great place for this conversation as you, the adult, cannot really look at them directly as you have to drive, this sort of takes some of the pressure off.  Additionally sitting on the edge of a bed in a semi darkened room at bedtime may be a little easier for your child too. I also want to advise those parents of very young children to be prepared sooner rather than later.  It is amazing how young some children are when they start to enter puberty.

Having daughters I will speak for talking to girls. I highly recommend, The Care & Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls, and The Feelings Book: The Care & Keeping of Your Emotions, both American Girl books. These books cover everything from hormonal emotions to hair and skin care to getting your period. There are great pictures, which are illustrations and not too scary. For some children you could look at the book together and for others you might just make the book available to them. This is one of the few times I will not refer you to the Beebe Library to borrow – I think these are worth purchasing.

Additionally I recommend looking for offers online or in magazines for sample packs for teens. From time to time Stayfree, Always etc. offer free sample packs of their products marketed towards teens. You can give this to your daughter to explore so she can see what the items are and, maybe even try on in the privacy of your own home and just get an idea of what all of this “stuff” is before “the big event”.  I also can not recommend enough being sure that Dad is included in some of this when it comes to girls because no one can be sure who will be home when your daughter gets her period for the first time and Dad needs to be prepared as well.

Holly DeSouza
I have not thought much about having THE talk with my daughter. Truth be told, thinking about it right now scares the life out of me. I do not wish to think of her as anything but my baby who occasionally brings tears to my eyes at the realization she is growing up when she asks me for the latest brand of “cool” shoes or begs me to put on makeup so she can look beautiful. (In case you are interested, my response is always “you are beautiful enough without makeup; you will have years tethered to that beast ahead of you.”)

I am a big fan of research across a multitude of mediums and assume I will not stray from that when it comes time to <gasp> have the talk. I would first suggest finding out from the parents of his/her peers if they have started any type of talk. Schoolyard conversations can have a mind of their own and you cannot control them; you most definitely do not want to have another kid have the talk first in its entirety. I do think, however, as long as you are prepared it may not be the worst thing for another child to prompt the discussion and conjure up curiosity in your child.

Next, I would suggest using a story that focuses on the birds and the bees, but not in a scary nature. Simply in my research to answer this week’s column, It's Not the Stork: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends by Robie H. Harris has been recommended. I have not personally read it but I am told it is not terribly graphic and has just enough information to give prepubescent children without completely scaring them.

And finally, this is another situation where I would suggest having an open door policy. I am most certain I will have that sense of awkwardness because I am not totally comfortable having the conversation. Making sure your child/children know(s) they can ask you anything they want and can use you as a resource and confidant will open the lines of communication for years to come. My gut tells me having the first talk is going to be one of the easier conversations. 

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